It is now 11:36 PM. I am not asleep yet. I can't sleep. My brother's wedding is tomorrow. Awwww! But that is not the reason why I am now facing my laptop with my fingers moving here and there typing. It's because I can't stop thinking of what a fail friendship I have and had. It's like I feel invisible. And the only reason I could think of is because I don't like hanging out (also because I am 16, my dad and my mom strictly forbid me going anywhere, 14 years old girls are pregnant nowadays) oh and because I study all the time. I barely have time chatting (I deleted my msn account), I barely update my status on facebook and because I am not a very interesting person. Well behind all that, I also realize that it's because I am friends with famous people and talented people. Qidah is good with dancing and almost all of the boys she knows, she gets. Sabrina is pretty busy with her dancing-career. She is a working student. Geemah is a half-time model. I am a nerd who pretty much focus on getting an A in everything, pass everything, insecure about my height (5'2), my weight (70kg) and people's talking behind my back about my face. well, I may not be pretty like those other people but as you all know, I was. Seriously. I was thin before. I guess my fats also go to my face. So, I'm not now. Oh. My haters love this. Don't you? (If you are reading)
Anyways, it is also because I lie a lot. I lied about being busy when I actually was watching tv. I can't explain it to them. I am so busy studying for two hours and I only stop when my favorite shows are on so it's like 1 hour and 30 minutes. And some of the things I wasnt lying about, they thought I was. I didn't lie about my grandfather's lands. Okay so before everyone else get this wrong. I am not showing off now or before. I was telling my friends about how frustrated I was and sad and lonely when my grandfather died. I love him so much, until now. I never had spending my time with him like my cousins did. I don't wanna talk about that now. I am enough confessing other stuffs that should be kept hidden. My family can blame me if I reveal more. So, I told my friends about my grandfather's lands. It's true he gave every each one of us. My dad (including my mom, me and my siblings) and ofcourse my father's siblings together with their husbands/wives and my cousins.
But the biggest lie I have ever told my friends, the biggest mistake and the most I regret of is telling them I have a brain cancer and I'm dying. I KNOW! I KNOW! stupid! idiot! me! I know! I regret that until now. I told them that because I am tired of losing my friends. I am tire dof being invisible and I am sad about that. When I was in grade 6, I had lots of friends because I was the favorite of every teachers. And then, unexpectedly, the girls were talking behind my back, laughing about me and hating me. I am sick of that, I am sad of that. I'm just sad. So sad. But I couldnt confront my friends and admit to them about this big lie. I'm scared that they'll hate me more. Plus, I know that they know it was a lie.
This one true thing I didn't lie about is not neccessary for me to confess here and it's also dangerous and forbidden. Well, I had friends when I was in grade 6 at the religious school too. Lots of them. We were like sisters. We care about each other and we treat each other equally. We share everything together and when someone is in trouble or in sadness, we tell each other and help each other. We were that close. We made a group called 'Death Princess'. All girls. There were 8 of us in that group. I was the closest to the leader, Farah who is now known as Haqasha. She invented that name with my help.
I am not in the same class witht he other 5 girls. Okay, wait. Let me explain this further. There were 7 before the new girl came to school. She was in my class and Nora. When Haqasha met her, she became part of the group too as the number 8 girl. She was pretty, fair and lady-like. I was short, dark skin and hardly noticed by the boys in our class. When we all were in the hall for praying. We were all having our period. What a coincidence. I know right. lol. So anyways, Haqasha assigned seats for every each one of us. We were seniors. After grade six in religious school, we're finish and will only be focusing on morning to afternoon classes. Anyways, Haqasha assigned seats for every each one of us. Now before I tell you the bad thing, let me tell you this first. I was always, always, always and again always the one sitting next to Haqasha. The first time we met each other, we immediately became close. We were bffs to the bone. Well, when that rotten girl came to school, she took my seat which Haqasha organized. Infront of me, Haqasha said to her ''You sit here next to me'' and aske dme to sit next to that new girl. It's like this new girl is the wall to my friendship with Haqasha.
Since then, I am never friends with so many people. My friendships are all disasters. I could make a book out of it. Plus, I am not a very good conversationalist. I don't talk a lot to new people or to people I am not used to hang with or see everyday. Well, sometimes I do. Only if we have the same interests or likes. Plus, some people are quite sensitive. I am a little bit dramatic when I tell stories or response in social networking like chatting, facebook, twitter and other stuffs. So, I always ignore and sometimes I sort of keep it cool. I am afraid that my response will unintentionally hurt their feelings. Plus I am not like the others who seriously know how to make someone feel comfortable and okay with. I don't know. People will never understand. Never ever ever will.
But I do hope someday, I can have that long-lasting friendship. I can be conversational and fun and outgoing and I don't know what else. But I can assure one thing. I am not stingy, arrogant and selfish. Tell me anything, I'll listen. 100% all ears. I'll understand. Joke anything with me, I am not the 100% good girl. I listen to some people dirty jokes too. BUT NOT TOO DIRTY! AND DON'T EVER SIT NEXT TO ME IF YOU DO THAT! LOL. seriously.
CONFFESSIONS:-
(1) I don't like being friends with people who intentionally hurt and humiliate me (who does?)
(2) I have anger issues. So sometimes, when I just am furious about the attitude, I don't care where and when, I will make a scene!
(3) Don't lie to me. I can tell.
(4) I love every friends I ever had and friends I have now. Like my sisters/brothers.
(5) I am not a secretive person. Tell me your secrets. They are all safe with me. I know a lotta secrets. If you ask every each friends I have or had, I assure you 100% they'll say it's true.
(6) I hate how someone is faking, hating and like spying or something. So if you decided to be one of those or be all of those, think twice. I'm not dumb.
Well, This is all. I hope you enjoyed. Keep up with me. I got loads of things I wanna talk about. Pardon me again for saying talk instead of type. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment